The Wolfsburg Jetta of Wall Street

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 09/03/2015 at 12:24 • Filed to: None

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I had lost pretty much all confidence in the stock and commodities futures markets at this point, watching money that could have been more productively spent at Pick N Pull blown into some banker’s multilayered arbitrage machine. So I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Starting Seat Safety Switch Financial Services was the easy part. Attracting customers to my infant hedge fund was quite another. Private meetings with billionaire industrialists ended with me thrown into the street, my briefcase thrown out behind me. I would pick myself up, brush off my briefcase, rearrange the socket set inside it, and walk to the next prospective sucker.

Eventually I built a small empire of finances. My first prospectus! I swelled with joy as I put the finishing touches on it. Before I even had a chance to lean back in my palatial overstuffed office chair, to hear the warm squeak of rich Corinthian leather against my aggressively-cut Milanese trendsetter suit, the phone rang. I put it on speaker.

“So I was just looking over this prospectus that was sent to my office,” my customer stated, “and am I to understand that you have spent the entire fund cap of $13.7 billion on 1993-1997 Subaru Imprezas?”

I tented my fingers and leaned in conspiratorially. Although I knew that he couldn’t see me, I felt that the predatory lean would lend my voice the subliminal wolflike inflection to help sell my street cred as a rough and tumble investment banker.

“Bob,” I began, “That’s an insane accusation to make. At least ten percent of the fund is invested in triple-A rated rusty Mustangs.”

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Seat Safety Switch 09/03/2015 at 12:28

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You spent the entire $13.7 billion on trying to keep the Jetta running.

Seat Safety Switch > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 09/03/2015 at 13:25

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Look, you can’t put a price on the Mexican Hat Dance door open chime.